I pushed the shirt away, turning to a rack of oversized sweatshirts in neon-bright colors. Ooh, Rachel, isn’t this nice? She held it out to me. We were almost at the makeup counter that was our raison de mall when she grabbed a black, fluttery top with laces winding up and down the front. But the mall with my mother on a Tuesday afternoon-as though I suddenly believed in the calming effects of retail therapy? We’d been here maybe ten minutes and already I was regretting it. I’d agreed to tag along on her quest for face creams mainly out of boredom. Once you unwrap all the holiday misery hiding in these pages, the blackness of your heart will rival any lump of coal.Loving your mom can lead to some seriously bad decisions. Christmas is full of fun surprises for kids, but for adults, it’s just an endless series of aggressive crowds, overwhelming credit card debt, and pretending to like the people you’re forced to spend it with. and is probably going to turn you into a skin suit?įrom the writers who brought you the hilarious parody Choose Your Own Misery: The Office comes a second helping of misery with a festive twist. Now you have to choose: should you spend the holiday with your shrewish sister and her Europhile husband, or endure your new girlfriend’s family for a week? Help chop down a tree even though it might throw out your back, or endure the icy judgment of a woman who thinks only children and pussies help bake cookies? Jet off to the glamorous slums of Kingston, Jamaica, or accept the offer of a ride from a man who never stops smiling. or you were, until your island getaway got washed out by a hurricane.

This is the year you’re going to do it: you’re going to avoid Christmas completely! Keep reminding yourself about the dental. A life of adventure would require so many uncomfortable sleeping situations. In your office adventure there are countless “options,” but they rarely end well. Choosing your own adventure is great when you're a kid, but in the adult world, the only options on offer are endless varieties of misery. Hungover and stuck at a job you hate, will you show up for your big presentation, or duck out with Debby, the HR rep with an FDR fetish? Play the weird lump on your back for office-wide sympathy, or dive into an internet spiral that can only end in “ten kinds of cancer?” Tell someone about the weird genital-fondling that’s happening at the crystal healer’s, or just accept that this is the best substitute you’ll find for love, today.or maybe ever?įrom the writers who brought you the hilarious parodies Choose Your Own Misery: Dating and Choose Your Own Misery: The Holidays comes a modern-day tale of woe: the story of your soul-crushing existence.

Famous by jilly gagnon